What is Parental Alienation? Part I

People don’t have to look very far to see the consequences that are a result of a society living in disobedience and rebellion to God. Marriage has become a romantic notion rather than the lifetime covenant that it was created to be. As a result, divorce has become an epidemic and children are its greatest victims who get caught in an emotional crossfire as parents engage in high-conflict divorces and custody battles. If this weren’t bad enough, children are becoming increasingly like pawns used by one parent in order to cause pain, conflict, and destruction against the other spouse. Depending on the degree of conflict, there are parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who unjustifiably persecute, brainwash, and totally destroy a once loving parent child bond with the non-custodial parent. This is called Parent Alienation Syndrome and has devastating life time emotional effects on the children and the alienated parent. This paper will look at the behavior and characteristics of the parent or family member who alienates the child from his/her other parent; the process by which this is done and the devastating effects on the child. It will also look at ways to counter react and heal the effects and the relationship of those involved in this process of the parent alienation syndrome.

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The Destruction of the Family

In today’s society, all a person has to do is turn on the television or read the newspaper to see the total destruction and downhill slide of morality. One would almost stagger at the statistics of marital discord where studies show 35% of people who marry will get a divorce and 18% of divorced couples have been remarried several times. What is even sadder is that multiple divorces are extremely common in the church showing 23% of reported born again Christians are also divorced multiple times. Virtually every night, 40% of children sleep in homes where there is no father and single-parent children are two to three times more likely to have more physical and emotional problems even 10-15 years after a divorce. Children born after 1950 are 10 times more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and all sorts of ailments brought on by the stress of the destruction of the family (Clinton, T., Hart, A., Ohlschlager, G., 2005).

According to Psalm 127:3, men and women are told that children are a reward (a gift) from the Lord (NIV). Why is it then that the suicide rate according to Dr. Hart has tripled for adolescents since 1958 and even children younger than that are killing themselves (1992, p.7)? Our younger generations are also showing ulcers and an increasing number are turning to drugs, sex, violence, and alcohol. Forty-two percent of children during the age they attend kindergarten and third grade are left home alone with no one to care for them. Is it any wonder then since many parents are not physically or emotionally available, that children are making up their own rules and standards which are beyond their parents influence? Even things that parents think are good, such as iPods, cell phones, DVD players, constant educational activities, and sports are causing more and more bad stress. Children who are given too much time alone are also 50% more likely to smoke and experiment with drugs. They also are having more and more disciplinary and behavior problems (Hart, 1992).

Effects of Divorce on Children

A famous child psychologist, Dr. Lee Salk, once said “The trauma of divorce is second only to death. Children sense a deep loss and feel they are suddenly vulnerable to forces beyond their control” (Hart, 1996, p. 19). Most children of divorce will never have to face such a stressful event such as divorce ever again in their life. Although divorce is a common occurrence in our society today, still over 80% of children rarely receive any warning that this is about to occur to their own family (Hart, 1996). Some children will be subject to multiple divorces by their parents by the time they go away to college (Steakley, 2008). Following are some of the devastating effects divorces have on children based on Dr. Archibald’s book "Helping Children Survive Divorce":

· Divorce signals to the child that his or her family structure has collapsed and this makes the child feel very frightened and alone. The loneliness that children experience can be quite acute and last very long (1996).

· Since parents (many unprepared themselves for this event) are consumed with their own feelings, emotions, and how they are going to survive, it leaves them with a diminished capacity to parent their children to the best of their ability (1996).

· In a divorce, children usually feel conflicted in their loyalty to their parents (1996).

· Tremendous anxiety is brought about in the child or children regarding how and to what extent things will change living and being dependent on one parent (1996).

· In most divorces, there is incredible hatred and resentment between the mother and father of the children. This causes tremendous fear within a child (1996).

· Divorce also causes many losses in a child’s life. It may require a change of schools, home, neighborhood, and friends which all cause to some level a certain degree of depression (1996).

One of the largest factors in a child’s ability to cope is the hostility factor between parents. The greater the hostility, resentment and conflict, the greater the damage to the child. It is most damaging when the divorce is pursued impulsively or with great anger between the parents and children are caught up in a never-ending custody battle where the loyalty of the child to either parent is seduced (Hart, 1996).

What is Parental Alienation or PAS?

Children are often caught in an emotional crossfire when their parents separate and divorce. Many of those couples continue to bitterly fight for years after a divorce over issues such as visitation, holidays, child support, and many other issues. Research repeatedly shows that children’s adjustment and mental health depend directly on whether or not, and how well, their parents protect the children from the conflict. “Parents who consciously or unconsciously, sabotage their children’s relationship with the other parent for revenge on their ex-spouse will learn how their behavior can cause lasting damage to the children” (Darnall, 2008, p. xii).

As seen, divorce not only tears the family apart but causes many difficulties for children to deal with. It is not only bad enough that divorce brings the additional statistics of depression, anxiety, and all sorts of emotional and behavioral problems for today’s children; but more and more children (including those in Christian professing families) are put through high-conflict divorce. During the 1970’s, Dr. Richard Gardner, M.D., who had been studying the effects on children of high conflict divorce, found that there are about 25% of children that during a high-conflict divorce, their custodial parent, grandparents, or guardians totally negate, belittle and insult the absent parent in the child’s eyes unjustifiably to the point causing total destruction to the once loving parent/child bond.

After a period of “brainwashing” or just picking up the hateful, resentful, and often told lies regarding the absent parent, the child allies himself or herself with the preferred parent and rejects any type of relationship with the other (alienated) parent (Bernet,2010). “This process leads to a tragic outcome when the child and the alienated parent who previously had a loving and mutually satisfying relationship; lose the nurture and joy of that relationship for many years and perhaps for their lifetimes”(Bernet, 2010, p.xvii). This process is what is called Dr. Darnell termed Parental Alienation and when done to an extreme level is called Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Parental alienation defined by Darnell in 1993 is “any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent”(Darnell, 2008, p. 4). Parental alienation syndrome vs. parental alienation, according to Darnell is described as a

disorder that arises primarily in the context of child custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the targeted parent (Darnall, 1997, p. 1).

Signs of Parental Alienation

Behaviors that are often campaigned from the alienating parent against the target parent include moral issues such as their “type” of friends, values, life-style, successes with a stress on their failures in life and even their residential choice. They are intended to boost the programmers own ego and position in comparison with the alienated parent who becomes completely expendable over time. Criticizing behaviors are very powerful especially if they occur over a long period of time and whatever positive view the child has had of the targeted parent will eventually conform to the programming parent’s opinions and sentiments (Clawar, Rivlin, 1991).

A persistent campaign of name-calling, criticizing and defacing the targeted parent. The child will tell the parent that when they stop being lazy or using drugs, the child will consider talking to them.

Usually these comments directly reflect the guardian’s comments to the other parent or overheard discussions (Darnell, 2008).

The alienated parent is all bad and has no hope or redeeming qualities. The child will actually make degrading remarks such as “You don’t care about me”. “You never cared about anything I did”. “You are a drug addict or a drunk”. “I don’t want to see you or have anything to do with you”. “You are not even my mother/father as far as I’m concerned”. These comments reflect the alienating parent or guardian and things they have said (Darnell, 2008).

· When the child is asked about all the good times they had together by the alienated parent they will tell them that they don’t remember and if pictures of them smiling are shown they will respond by saying they were just faking it (Darnell, 1998).

· Presence of borrowed scenarios: The child justifies his feelings from situations or scenarios that were told to him or her by the alienating parent or guardian. This might not be done on purpose but has devastating consequences. The alienating child may say that he remembers how terrible things were at home with all the fighting and beatings that went on when they were only two years old except two year olds will not have such memories. “The rationalization comes from what has been overheard from adults or told to them directly, and they believe the allegations must be true” (Darnell, 2008, p.12).

· The threat of withdrawal of approval or love is a coercive powerful and universally successful technique. The children come to fear any type of rejection from the alienating parent with whom they live and the child must become a sort of cohort and also turn against the other parent (Clawar, Rivlin, 1991).

The signs and behavior are seemingly endless at how an adult can turn a once loving relationship against the parent they had one with. Often it is unconscious but most of the time it is very calculated and planned. Unfortunately, these parents who alienate their children or even guardians (caretakers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, the list is endless) who do this often time believe because of their own hurt and possible betrayal and varying degrees of anger, do so in the name of the “best interest of the child”. Let us look at briefly some of the motivational factors of who does what and why (Richardson, 2006).

Tomorrow, Dr. Baldwin will pick up with motivational factors in parental alienation. If you or a loved one is being alienated from your children, there is help. Dr. Baldwin is not only a professional Biblical Counselor who specializes in PAS, but she has also experienced the pain of alienation from from 2 children for over 20 years. Don't delay. Call Dr. Baldwin at 417-415-0511 for a free consultation. National Sessions, Consultations, Advocacy, Mediation, etc. available via Video. Sliding Scale Fees. You are not alone. You can also email Dr. Baldwin @ drbaldwin@biblicalinterventions.com Full refences will be posted at end of blog series. Taken from Dr. Regina Baldwin's Research Paper at Liberty University 2011.