Loss, Crisis, Trauma: Why Is The Church Failing?

Part 1: The Art of Listening

While there is no escaping the holiday messages of family gatherings, gift giving, laughter, and cheer, for those dealing with any type of loss, crisis or trauma, this can be an especially painful time of year. We are in an Era in history of both spiritual and physical war. Those of us who are Bible believing Christians know the times will only continue to get more evil. So how to we help those in our church, our family, our friends, even our neighborhood grieve well and walk through trauma so they don't become isolated or stuck?

This is the first of a series that the Holy Spirit impressed upon my heart to write. We need to become a "Trauma Informed Church". Why? Because Jesus tells the world that they will who His followers are by how they love one another AND the number one place a person hurting will turn to is the church. Statistics further show us that regardless of whether a person/couple/family has been indoctrinated by a religion or never gave God a second thought; when in crisis, facing trauma, or grieving loss the first place they will turn to for answers is a person of faith.

Why then are we so terrible at knowing what to say or not say? Why do we fail miserably at knowing what to do and what not to do? The Holy Spirit has confirmed to me it's because most people don't know how to help someone practically deal with loss, trauma or crisis. Sure, initially, everyone will rally around a surviving spouse filling the refrigerator and freezer with casseroles. We may take turns and stop in and offer to grocery shop or offer help but why is it so often declined? Perhaps those facing trauma, loss or a going through a crisis may not even know what they need.

Research shows that despite years of professional training and experience, ministers and counselors often aren't sure what they should say or do so you are not alone. This is the reason we always must start by asking the Holy Spirit "Lord, what should I do or say now?" If we begin to help people out of our strength, we will make many mistakes. Therefore we need to rely on the power and wisdom of the God.

Proverbs 3:5-6 AMP instructs us to "lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make your paths straight and plain your paths".

A similar thoughts is expressed in Proverbs 15:28: The mind of the uncompromisingly righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pour out evil things (AMP).

Let's start by talking about what Listening really is all about.

One problem we all suffer from - probably more than any other is not knowing when to listen and when to keep quiet. Many ministers and lay counselors want to talk and offer advice or exhort from the Scriptures. However, if you are talking more than 25 percent of the time, you are probably talking too much. These is a time for advising and exhorting, but how will on know what to say unless he has first listened? Listening is crucial when someone is hurting. It's always crucial because you may not know why someone isn't acting themselves until you listen. Listening is crucial to making people feel understood and heard.

As we look into the Scriptures, we God as our model for listening (see Pss. 34:15-18; 116;1-2; Jer. 33:3). The Scriptures have much to say about the importance of listening. James 1:19 says that each of us is to be "a ready listener".

Listening means you're not thinking about what you're going to say when the other person stops talking. You are not busy formulating your response. You are concentrating on what is being said.

Listening means that you're completely accepting of what is being said, without judging what the other is saying or how he or she is saying it. If you don't like the person's tone of voice or you can't condone what he or she is doing and, therefore, you react on the spot, you may miss the meaning. Perhaps it hasn't been said in the best way, but just listen, because that someone is most likely hurting. Additionally, he/she probably is not going to be him or herself if they are dealing with any kind of painful or stressful situation. Acceptance doesn't mean that you acknowledge and understand that what the person is saying is something he or she is feeling. This goes a long way in helping others.

Listening also means that you are able to repeat what the person said and express what you think he or she is feeling while speaking to you.

Have you ever considered what's involved in healthy Communication?

Every message a person shares has three parts:

1) the actual content

2) the tone of voice

3) the nonverbal communication.

It is possible to use the same word, statement or question and express many different messages simply by changing the tone of voice or body movement. Nonverbal communication includes facial expression, body posture, and gestures or actions.

It's been suggested that successful communication consists of 7 percent content, 38% tone of voice, and 55 percent nonverbal communication. We are usually aware of the content of what we're saying but not nearly as aware of our tone of voice. We have the capability of giving one sentence a dozen different meanings just by changing

Learning how to listen as you can see is imperative not only for those hurting but for our every day relationships to thrive. Tomorrow I'll touch further on the factors that we should take into consideration when listening because learning how to listen is a necessity.

I look forward to your comments and questions. Also if you or a loved one are struggling with any type of loss, crisis, trauma or need a family intervention, please reach out and call me, Dr. Baldwin at 417-731-8354 for a free video consultation. We are offering 50% off of most services right now.