Crisis, Trauma, Loss: Factors that Affect Listening Part II

We left off in Part One talking about what listening really is and how important listening is when a loved one, neighbor, or even a stranger is grieving loss, facing a crisis, or walking through trauma. Today we will talk about seven (7) personal factors that influence the way that you listen and interpret what you hear.

1. Age:

People in different age groups tend to hear and react to things differently. Different age groups or generations hold differing values, which inevitably lead to a greater possibility for dissension and clashes. In other words, your grandparents hold values and beliefs different from those held by you or your children.

2. Sex:

Men and women have been trained by the socialization process to hear and respond differently. Lack of understanding of understanding of gender differences in listening and conversing creates problems. A woman will use more verbal responses to encourage the talker. They're more likely than men to use listening signals like "mm-hmm" and "yeah" just to indicate that they are listening.

A man will usually use these responses only when he's agreeing with what a woman is saying. You can see what the outcome could be! A man interprets a woman's listening responses as a sign that she agrees with him. But later on, he discovers she wasn't agreeing with him at all. He didn't realize that she was simply indicating her interest in what he was saying and on the other hand may feel ignored and disappointed because a man doesn't make the same listening responses that she does. She interprets his quietness as not listening. This happens all the time in the workplace.

In addition, a man is more likely than a woman to make comments throughout the conversation but a woman may feel bothered by these comments and interpret them as an interruption. This is why many women complain that "men always interrupt" or that "they never listen to women". When helping someone who is of the opposite gender, it's imperative you are aware of these differences.

3. Education

A psychologist well trained with a Ph.D. from Harvard that specializes in the psychodynamic orientation of communication will hear something differently than the pastor who graduated from an evangelical seminary.

4. Past Experiences

The variety of experiences and relative degree of pain ad difficulty a person has lived through will affect his or her level of understanding and capacity for empathetic responses.

5. Perception of Failed Expectations and Goals

Helpers who tend to be either optimistic or pessimistic about their own futures will usually hold the same attitude towards others expectations and goals. It is vital to check your attitude before speaking or listening to someone in crisis. If you go in with the attitude - well, life sucks so what's the point- as I discussed the last blog; your tone and body language will convey hopelessness regardless of the words you say. Content only consists of 7% of communication and healthy active listening skills.

6. Personal Feelings about the Person You Want to Help

Research shows that people who are ministering to someone they generally like are more attentive, open and positively responsive; whereas they have been found to be less attentive, closed and negatively responsive to hurting people whom they dislike.

It may be easier for you to listen to an angry person than to a sarcastic person. Some tones or phrases may be enjoyable to listen to; other may be annoying. The repetitive phrases a person uses and may be unaware of) could bother you (expect repetition when anyone is upset or devastated). Excessive gestures, such as talking with hands or waving the arms, could be overly distracting.

Point being, it's not a good idea to talk to someone hurting unless you can truly listen with the love of Christ.

7. Current Emotional and Physical Feelings

If you feel depressed, have a headache or have had very little sleep the night before, you'll tend to hear more negative statements from whomever you are talking or listening too; while the happy, energetic person may hear more positive statements. Again, be aware and prayerfully follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. You can see how if a crisis hits a family under the same roof - how all these factors play a large part in helping one another move forward and heal.

I pray that you are learning something from this series that we have begun. There is much to talk about. We'll define loss, grief, trauma. We'll talk about the different types and various stages. I'll share healthy guidelines and techniques and journaling ideas that you can implement or suggest to help someone hurting. We'll talk about how to evaluated if someone has gotten stuck in their process and how and when it may be proper to make a referral to a professional. My goal is equip you to love those hurting in a manner where they don't feel alone. Jesus told us to carry one another's burdens. The problem becomes that if someone has been carrying a lot of pain for years; you can't suddenly come along side of them and start running ahead of them. You must actively listen and walk with them at their pace allowing the Holy Spirit to minister refreshing to them through you. God wants you to be His living encounter for those around you suffering.

In the meantime, if you or someone is hurting, please call me, Dr. Baldwin today at 417-731-8354 for a free consultation. We offer services in the comfort of your office or home through virtual sessions and are offering to new clients this holiday season 50% off most services. God bless you and please leave comments and questions. I would love to answer and interact with you.