Crisis, Trauma, Loss: The Ant & Elephant

Author Vince Poscente in the Ant and The Elephant, described the difference between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind, teaching that the conscious (ant) mind, in one second of thinking, stimulates two thousand neurons, while the subconscious (elephant) mind, in a second of imagining, stimulates four billion neurons. That's four billions neurons to two thousand neurons; literally, two million times more neurons are stimulated in the subconscious mind than in the conscious mind in a second of mental activity. Moreover, brain researchers estimate that your unconscious data base outweighs the conscious on an order exceeding ten million to one. This data base is your hidden genius. Scientists have also caught up with the bible is stating that the brain is a visionary device whose function is to create pictures in our minds that can be used as blueprints for things that don't exist. Additionally, researchers have proven that the unconscious mind can be programmed and renewed.

Why is this important when it comes to dealing with trauma, loss, and crisis? Because whether it is your own that you are struggling with or make excuses that you aren't good "talking to people with problems" is a lie from the pit of hell. You may presently not have the skills but you can absolutely learn healthy communication and especially listening skills. They are vital in every kind of relationship and more importantly, no matter how many times through the years I hear people say "I'm drama free and don't want anyone with any kind of baggage" - I still laugh because everyone of us has pain, hurt, trauma that we have walked through or are walking through. Everyone one we love and care about does too. It's the one thing we can count on - we will face losses, crisis', and traumas like everyone else so if we are going to love well - if we are going to love like Jesus and be a conduit of his love - then we need to work on it. We need to renew our minds. We can build skills that will kick in when needed in our subconscious.

God shows us in Genesis 11:6 that we have a powerful imagination and if we come together with other believers in the Spirit - there should be no situation where we now have the excuse of not knowing how to help others and ourselves once this series is over. My goal is truly equip you with healthy skills that will enhance every relationship and help you walk with others in a healthy manner through their pain.

Genesis 11:6

The Lord said, “Behold, they are one people, and they all have the same language. And this is what they began to do, and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them.

Romans 1:21

For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

Ephesians 3:20 I absolutely love the Message Translation of this Verse:

God can do anything, you know- far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

The ant and the elephant analogy does much to show us the necessity of purposing ourselves to program our mind with the things of God. Albert Einstein who was a Christian say "Imagination will always be more important than knowledge. World changing results are possible when we continually renew our minds. Here are just a few verses but I found several hundred referring to our minds, thoughts, and imaginations.

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Colossians 3:10

And have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.

Psalm 119:11

I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

I know it looks like we got off topic and perhaps I did go down a little rabbit trail but I think it's a powerful point to consider as we continue.

I'm going to finish up today discussing 4 Communication Traps You Should Be Aware Of.

1. Ritual listening

Ritual listening looks like friendly listening but its not. While we're quiet and watching the speaker, what we're really doing is waiting for him/her to shut up or take a breath, so we can tell our story or make our point. While other talk, ritual listeners are preparing.

They marshal people's thoughts, looking for errors, and decide how to respond. They usually appear calm which is quite deceptive for the person listening and hoping to have a sympathetic ear; but remember even boxers who step in the ring can appear calm. Know that this struggle sabotages the safety people need in which to relax and share authentically their feelings. When you catch yourself ritual listening, shift your focus toward understanding what the person is trying to tell you. Hold what they are saying to you with the same gentleness that you would hold a new born baby. You might way, "Hold on a moment, could you repeat that, I want to make sure that I'm really understanding what you are saying".

2. Perry Masons

I love this second one deemed "Perry Masons" by Dr. James Peterson. A Perry Mason sounds like a question but whatever you answer will be a lose-lose situation. They are statements like "Do I look fat in this?" There is often a twist of sarcasm. While you wouldn't expect a hurting person to ask you a sarcastic question, remember the old adage that hurting people, hurt people.

When people use Perry Masons, you may observe that answers do no good. Why? Because answers work in response to questions and again, Perry Masons are not questions. Here are some examples of Perry Masons.

a. "Were you looking at the blond over there?" "No, I wasn't." "Yes, you were. I saw you."

Since we are talking about being better listeners, let's first think about what this woman was feeling and come up with a gentle response.

It sounds like you felt hurt when you saw me looking in the direction of the blond woman. I didn't mean to make you feel as though I wasn't paying attention. See how easily a thoughtful response defused a potential huge fight?

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:4

A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit.

God's Word has much to say about how to answer people in a kind gentle manner. How much more importantly is that necessary when someone is hurting.

3. Why?

Why is a district attorney type of question that carries a hidden agenda and is accompanied by an accusatory tone of voice. An example would be "Why weren't you home for dinner?" Response "I was working". "All you do is work". I'm sure you can identify when people have used this technique on you and times when you used it on others.

So what can you do when you catch yourself asking why questions and setting up arguments?

Stop asking them. They are never helpful. Figure out what is bothering you. If someone uses this with you; take a breath and ask them in a gentle tone, "I'm wondering why you came at me the way you did. The last thing I want to do is hurt you so is there is something troubling you that you would like to talk to me about?"

4. " I Understand.."

When someone says "I've just been diagnosed with 3rd stage colon cancer and I'm in total shock", it often seems as though an empathetic response would be "I understand". Why then do most people feel so offended by that statement? More often than not if someone doesn't give you a piece of their mind and say "How could you possibly understand?", you'll simply shut down any type of communication.

Would you like to know why I understand so often kills communication? Because

1. We're talking and not listening. We started talking about our understanding, not their issues. It would have been better to listen and say "I can see you are really shaken to the core." Or, if we want to let the person know how much we care, you could add "That shakes me to the core too; when did you find out?" Do you see the difference.

2. We really don't understand. That is the truth. It's a presumptuous answer. Even if we have been diagnosed or been through cancer, our experiences are not the same as anyone else. Saying "I understand" suggests to the talker we don't know how to respond, we are uncomfortable witfsfffh the topic, and/or we would rather that they didn't talk about it. If you catch yourself saying I understand; stop yourself and regroup and say "I'm sorry, I guess I really don't Let'sljdfunderstand. How are you doing?"

We will later on in this series get into specific responses to various situations that I think you'll find extremely helpful.

5. "Yes, but.."

Let's remember that "Yes, but.." means no. While it may seem like we're hearing and agreeable, it really is argumentative and be assured that the listeners has stopped listening.

I'd like to end today giving you some questions that you can ask anyone who grieving a loss, facing a crisis or trauma. Before I continue, the most important point you will hear me make over and over again moving forward is DO NOT AVOID PEOPLE GREIVING OR HURTING.

Ask open ending questions such as:

• How are you feeling?

• What times of the day are hardest for you?

• How are you sleeping?

• What do you miss most about __________?

• What do you fear the most?

• What did you like the most about the situation you are grieving?

• What makes you the angriest right now?

• What is overwhelming for you?

• What surprises you about how you are feeling?

• What does the pain feel like?

• Where does it hurt most?

• What do you miss the most?

• Are you struggling with any regrets?

• How can I help?

Make it obvious that you are there to listen to them.

• Listen empathetically - search your way into the experience of the griever.

• Allow for the sharing of any and all feelings and emotions, and receive them with gentle acceptance.

• Respond with soothing words, "Yes"; "I See"; There, there"

• Allow for Silence.

• Offer hugs.

• Arrange a time to meet again.

• Send cards as a way to offer your supportive presence without actually being present - however, don't use cards instead of a personal visit or call.

Tomorrow we start defining more terms and getting more practical. Please comment with any questions you have or any specific material you are interested in learning.