.png)
The Art of Helping Others Grieve
As many finished celebrating the winter holidays with family and friends and as Easter is quickly approaching, it’s important to remember family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors and others who continue to grieve a deep loss they have experienced. It can be quite easy as time passes to forget those who have been devastated in the past by monumental personal losses. Often, we associate loss to death of someone dear to us.
Death of a spouse, child, loved one, parent, even pet or pregnancy can cause someone to spiral into the depths of despair if we don’t know how to minister to them. There are losses of relationship due to divorce, separation and mutual breakup; losses of employment and even retirement. Retirement is often misunderstood but despite the excitement of rest, travel, and long awaited family times comes the loss of significance and emptiness after letting go of a lifetime commitment to productive labor. We must not forget the loss of health and those suffering loss of property or finances. Each type of loss has it’s own unique characteristics, feelings and process. I have decided to turn this blog in a series so that we can examine the major types of losses in more detail. Both personally and professionally, especially as Christians, we need to purpose ourselves in being a beacon of hope to other during such difficult times. Too often we don’t know what to say or how to help those mourning. We ignore their loss completely deceiving ourselves by believing if we don’t bring up the loss we are sparing more sorrow for someone hurting. This can’t be farther from the truth. Let’s examine to today loss of relationships in peoples lives due to death. Before I continue, I want to make it very clear that every person’s journey of grief is individual. No two people respond to loss the same way. Some will reach out and some will isolate. The responses and reactions to grief are almost endless. What is important to remember is that God created us for relationship. We define ourselves by our relationships. We are parents, children, aunts, uncles, teachers, spouses, friends, partners, and significant others to those we care about. We integrate our relationships in the patterns and fabric of our daily life. The activities we do together; how we communicate; the goals and dreams we share; all make us who we are as family, friends, couples, members of groups and individuals. Our self identity is largely based on our relationship with those closest to us. When a relationship ends, there is a part of us that dies along with the relationship. The way we see ourselves, how we spend our days, and often how we relate to the world around us must all be redefined. The end of any relationship is the end of a way of life.
Nothing in life can prepare us for the death of a loved one. Whether death results from a sudden accident or a sustained illness, it always catches us off-guard. Death is so deeply personal and stunningly final, nothing can emotionally prepare us for its arrival. With every death, there is a loss. And with every loss, there will be grief.
Grief doesn’t come and go in an orderly, confined timeframe. Just when we think the pangs of anguish have stolen their last breath, another wave sweeps in and we are forced to revisit the memories, the pain, the fear. Sometimes we try to resist the demands of grieving. We long to avoid this fierce, yet holy pilgrimage. We fight against the currents, terrified of being overwhelmed, of being discovered, of becoming lost in our brokenness. Death of a loved provides some traditional rituals that can help navigate us through the initial phases of loss. Visitation times, ceremonies, and friends often surround those who have had a significant loss from the death of a loved one. For most, at best, these rituals provide temporary support for a process that can last an average from 6 months to years. There are many factors that affect the grieving process of someone who has lost a loved one through death. The manner in which the person died, whether it was sudden or anticipated, and the relationship to the deceased.
Next to the death or loss of a child, a spouse or partners death is one of the most profound losses ever experienced. In addition to the emotional loss , there are significant adjustments that need to be made to the many facets of daily life. Everything is a reminder that the spouse or significant other is no longer there. Not only does the death of a spouse or partner bring countless changes to everyday life; it also requires social, financial, and situational changes.
I believe as a Biblical Counselor, one the biggest barriers for people wanting to be there for others is simply not knowing what to say or how to help. Before I give some practical ways and guidelines as to how we can support those grieving, let’s take a look at the Word of God to see what it says about being there for others and how God responds to our grief and tragedy.
We are given clear and concise directions on how to be there for those that are hurting. In 1st Thessalonians 5:11 “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another (encourage, to build up) , even as also ye do”. Hebrews 10:24 “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works.” 1st Corinthians 12:26 “And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it, or one member be honored, all the members rejoice in it”. Romans 12:15 states “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” Let’s take a look now on how God responds to us in the midst and depth of our pain and loss: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble by the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Romans 8:37-39: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities nor powers, neither things present nor things to come, neither height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 3. Isaiah 41:10: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. Shock and denial are usually the first things a person experiences when going through a loss or devastation. Just like shock absorbers on a car protect us while driving from unexpected bumps in the road, God has given us shock and denial to help soften the blow until we can start readjusting and adapt our thinking to accommodate the sudden change in their life. It is usually during the time of shock and denial that those suffering a loss receive most of their support. This can easily be interpreted as “Wow, he/she is handling much better than I thought”.
What NOT to do or say to someone grieving the loss of a spouse or significant other: 1. Pry into personal matters unless asked.
2. Offer advice.
3. Minimize the loss with statements such as:
“I know how you feel”.
“At least he/she isn’t suffering anymore”.
“Time will heal your sorrow”
“He/she is in a better place now”.
“It was Gods will/timing”.
"You will find someone else in time”
"You have to be strong now for your children (or business)"
"God won't give you more than you can handle".
WHAT TO DO OR SAY TO OFFER SUPPORT:
Talk openly and directly about the person who died.
Remember evenings, weekends, holidays and anniversaries will be extremely difficult for minimally one year.
Ask for specific ways you can help to minimize adjustments. Offer to clean, go out to dinner, pack up the deceased belongings in an honorable and respectful way.
Find ways to honor the deceased so that he/she who is grieving has permission to hold onto important memories and doesn’t feel as though in order to move on he/she must let completely go.
Help the person grieving preserve memories of the departed.
Encourage self-care.
Give gifts that encourage self care such as a massage or invite out for walks and other physical activities which minimize depression.
Send cards for special dates, holidays, anniversary, thinking of you for at least ONE YEAR FOLLOWING. Remember, every special day throughout the year is the first without his/her partner.
Respect the surviving spouse or partner.
DO NOT PUSH the surviving partner or spouse to get rid of departed belonging before he/she is ready. Offer sincere help for when he/she is ready.
Don’t treat the surviving spouse as a child. Do what is necessary but don’t overdue.
Encourage surviving spouse to share memories.
Listen attentively even to repeated stories. This is very therapeutic and helps the surviving partner process his/her loss.
A noteworthy comment I would like to make is that often when tragedy and grief occur, the enemy (Satan) sees an opportunity to bring those who have suffered a significant loss into permanent bondage. There is a grief process that everyone goes through over a period of time which should result in the grieving person getting better. There is a such a thing as a “spirit of grief” which can attach itself to a person often causing them to continue spiraling into deeper and deeper despair. It’s important that if you or a loved one continues to get worse over time and exhibits any type of self destructive behavior or inability to move on after a substantial period of time that professional help be sought. If you or someone you love is struggling with a personal loss, please contact Dr. Regina M. Baldwin at 417-731-8354 for a free consultation or fill out our contact form. Working with a professional who understands the grief process can often help not only the grieving person but those who want to support him/her in the best way. Endings can be the soil for new wonderful beginnings; however, if pushed, unresolved grief will be carried into future relationships and can cause the grieving person to idolize the departed. Most importantly entrust your hurting love one to God who alone is greater than any tragedy.
