Unspeakable & Accumulated Losses & Normal Symptoms of Grief

Part IV. Thanks for joining us for this series. There is so much cover. Many of the losses in life are related to aging. As we grow older, the ideas and beliefs of childhood begin to crumble and change.

All childhood and teenage romances are filled losses - some every day or even hourly. Moving from school to school, failing a grade, being placed in an accelerated class and leaving friends behind or have friends move on you are staying behind; dropping out of school; leaving home for college or just moving out. Even planned change comes with an element of loss.

There are many types of losses we encounter; let's start with

UNSPEAKABLE LOSSES

Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Abortion, Infertility

This pattern of accumulation may be a time when unspeakable losses occur. These are the losses that occur by aren't talked about. Pregnancy loss is a big one. Most people believe that less than 5% of miscarriages occur when the actual number is 1 out of every 5 pregnancies. That's 750,000 to 1 million of the 5-6million pregnancies every year. Globally there are approximately 23 million miscarriages every year or stillbirth. Miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy ending before it is viable to survive on it's own. Then we have the overwhelming number of abortions. Statistics in February 2021, showed that just in those two months over 1.2 million abortions were intentionally induced and 93% of them after 13 weeks. As a Christian, I stand with God and believe His Word that at conception everyone of us were planned and foreknown by God; however, that doesn't minimize the guilt, shame, disappointment, failure, rejection, and shame that many must deal with. The bottom line here is that in the span of a short year almost 3 million women in the United States alone are affected by pregnancy losses of one kind or another.

The Bible actually has much to say about this topic but we aren't talking about the morality here of abortion - we are talking about the tremendous pain that many women experience silently when they lose a child in utero or in still birth regardless of how it happened. (Side note- I know many girls, especially when I used to take in pregnant moms from birthright who were super young and they were literally kicked out of the house. We are going to have to step up as the Body of Christ and be willing to open not just our hearts but our homes.)

We also need to put in this category the inability for couple to get pregnant. It's extremely painful for those battling with infertility. Every time there is a baby shower; a childs birthday party; holidays - often parents - especially mothers grieve for many years. We must be extremely sensitive that to the fact that many times people get stuck in grief and need someone to remember how isolated or cursed they may be feeling especially every anniversary of the loss of a child.

The silence could be because such losses are often private incidents, or perhaps the incident creates shames or a desire to forget, couple with self blame. (William Crane). In any case these are losses where there is no stream of supporters to walk the affected through the grief. Let's look at some other unspeakable losses.

How about the job market whether you have been fired or straight out of college or have just moved out and need to find work. Losses multiply as rejections occur. Someone else get the raise or promotion or the deal or the settlement award. Businesses fail; the economy falters; you get stuck with a Masters Degree working at McDonalds.

How about gaining weight. How about the loss of youth, beauty, muscle tone, shaped, hair, vision, sexual ability or interest - the list goes on. In the middle years, these losses take on a different color. Now they seem to be more frequent and permanent and in many cases they are negative. No one rejoices over losing their hair or teeth or getting bifocals. We don't usually call these growth experiences. Losses now start building on other losses. How about investment losses? Many don't share about declining health or loss of finances. A housing market crash or stock market collapse can devastate an entire family for many years. All these losses bring shame, rejection, and isolation.

Accumulated Losses

When you are younger, you may have one physical problem or symptom which may or may not be corrected or healed. But when you get other, these symptoms often accumulate. I am not speaking negatively here and while I believe the Lord can restore our youth; I'm reminded every time I look in the mirror that some things simply won't be regenerated or perfected until heaven. Muscles may not work as well or healing times from big surgeries take often much longer than anticipated. You may one day realize that you are turning up the TV volume if you don't have children pointing out in gest that your senses are declining

We seem to handle losses pretty well when we are young; but mid-life for most is an unfamiliar time-zone of where they begin to accumulate. It's difficult to handle the next loss when you are still recovering the present one. Our coping skills may be overtaxed, and if our coping skills were never highly developed; these losses will hit extremely hard.

Tomorrow we will talk about Frequent losses, gradual losses, final losses, identity losses and threatened losses. We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this series but I feel strongly that knowledge and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit can help us do a better job of loving one another well.

The two most important and helpful steps I can leave with you today if you are dealing with your own loss or you'd like to better minister to someone who is grieving is to normalize and educate the person. Initially of course listen and we have talked about how important listening is; but secondary to listening our responses are most helpful when we assure people that how they are feeling is normal. They aren't going crazy even though people will often tell those grieving that they "are crazy"; "are losing their mind". The following symptoms are all normal for anyone grieving anything:

• distorted thinking patterns, "crazy" or irrational thoughts, fearful thoughts

• feelings of despair and hopelessness

• out of control or numbed emotions

• changes in sensory perceptions such as sight, taste, smell, etc.

• increased irritability

• increase in talking or not speaking

• memory lags and mental "short circuits

• inability to concentrate

• obsessive focus on the loved one

• losing track of time increase or decrease of appetite and or sexual desire

• difficulty falling asleep

• dreams in which the deceased seems to visit the griever

• nightmares with death themes

• physical illness like the flue, headaches or other physical symptoms

• shattered beliefs about life, the world and even God.

Don't forget that if you are struggling with anything individually, in your marriage, if you have estranged relationships; or are alienated from your children; now if the time to get yourself or someone else a gift of mental health and family restoration. I am keeping the 50% packages for a short time. Once the openings in our schedule are full; the sale will be over. Don't delay. Call 417-731-8354. It does not matter where you live because all our sessions are done virtually. I look forward to seeing how I can best serve you.